Omigod You Guys, Eddie Wrote a Post!!!

It’s a glorious day, everyone.  Eddie finally wrote down his take on the pub crawl.  WIthout further ado...

This past Saturday was was another botched night of trying to engage members of the opposite sex. For starters I don’t think either of us realized this was a Harry Potter themed pub crawl. Now when I was a kid I read a couple of these books… They represent a rather whimsical and entertaining example of children’s literature. But I emphasis CHILDREN’S. Quite frankly to see grown ass adults dressing up as children’s books characters is a bit frustrating for me. On the other hand this is a free country, and the Harry Potter people appeared to be having a good time. I will admit that did warm my heart. We witnessed many a hobgoblin, ogre, witch, or sweater vested hipster (SIC) having a good time

However let us stop right there, and get back to the main reason we are going out — to meet people. Wizards and fantasy creatures just so happen to rank quite high on the hierarchy of barriers-to-procreation (I.E. cockblock)… Right up there with mullets, missing teeth, body odor, and male ponytails. Now this begs to the questions…. Are these fantasy aficionados turned off by their own nerdiness? This is a question that I have been grappling with since we went on this faithful pub crawl. To help answer this question I did some research to find out if skunks were repelled by their own smell. Quickly I found the answer… an unequivocal yes… Skunks do indeed hate the smell of getting sprayed by other skunks. Surely if this is the case we can draw the parallel that a female human dressed up as a Harry Potter character is going to be turned off by a male dressed up as a Harry Potter character. So I do believe that this Harry Potter themed pubcrawl represented a real dead end when it comes to getting laid. 

The upside was that, included with every ticket, was a Dale’s Pale Ale and a shot of  Genuine Hanger One whiskey. Since Nicole didn’t want to drink anything made by a guy named Dale she bequeathed me her beer. Some witches handed me their shots. I was as a happy as any Jew could be with over $25 in free beverages. While all this was going on Nicole began to strike up a conversation with some dude next to her. Listening to this guy talk was like listening to the dial tone on a phone. Remember when phones still had those? He was as boring as Steve Hawking at a triathlon. He talked about his favorite Netflix shows until I had to down several of the Hanger 1 shots to prevent myself from falling asleep. Alas the shitbird flew off into the sunset without so much as asking Nicole for her phone number. That was the one favor he did us. The rest of the night went by in a blur of drunken witches, and turned off normal people. Overall it as a good night of drinking, but a bad night for dating.

You're a Wizard, Hairy

The title is a lame joke since Eddie is quite furry.  Anyway, I guess I'm authoring this post since I haven't heard from him all day.

I pre-partied at a baby shower with an endless mimosa bar and not a whole lot of food, so by the time I got to the University of Beer for pub crawl check-in I was already feeling pretty good.  Despite the fact that it was called Wizards Assemble, neither Eddie nor I realized that it was a Harry Potter pub crawl (probably because we don't read/watch Harry Potter).  To make things even more awkward, the mom-to-be at the baby shower gave me a hardback book of writing prompts, so I was carrying around a big-ass book all night like the nerd I am.  Just not a Harry Potter nerd.

Is that water or Hanger One in the glass?  The world may never know.Just kidding.  It's water.  I would be dead if that were vodka.

Is that water or Hanger One in the glass?  The world may never know.

Just kidding.  It's water.  I would be dead if that were vodka.

 

While I was waiting for Eddie to find a parking space, some random dude named Chad sat down next to me and we started talking.  He seems pretty fit and has a decent job, plus he likes Joe Hill and Stephen King.  I am, however, a complete lame-o, so I didn't end up getting his number before he left the bar.  Evan had some degree of luck with some girls dressed like witches, and got a few free shots and beers.  I took the shots.  This is a partnership, after all.

After a few hours of waiting for drunk people dressed like wizards to move along, Eddie and I beat feet over to Bottle and Barlow.  Very hipster, but kind of a cool atmosphere.

Fun signage by the bathroom.  Why, indeed?

Fun signage by the bathroom.  Why, indeed?

I am the worst friend ever, so I bought Eddie a pour of Laphroaig.  If you've never had it, it's more or less like drinking liquid smoke.  What can I say?  I like my alcohol to punish me.

If you want your whiskey to taste like the charred remains of the Napa Valley, this beverage is for you.

If you want your whiskey to taste like the charred remains of the Napa Valley, this beverage is for you.

My lame butt got hungry (at this point my last solid meal was 10 hours prior), so I dragged Eddie to Burgers and Brew for some grub.  Unfortunately this meant that we missed the rest of the pub crawl.  Whoops.

We stopped by Coin Op to try to catch the end party, but the line was redonkulous and most of the wizards had gone home by that point.  Evan and I ended up stopping by Pizza Rock for a final hurrah before calling it a night.

It was a fun night.  I wouldn't call it successful in terms of the experiment since neither of us got any phone numbers, but it was worth the price of admission for the pub crawl.  Eddie seems more discouraged than I am, so this may end up being a solo blog for a little while.

I'm unsure when the next post is coming.  My date tonight cancelled, and I'm going to be spending the next few days in a remote town in SoCal for a funeral so I don't foresee much humor coming out of that.

Stay tuned...

The Saga Continues

Apparently I'm dumb and can't figure out how to properly publish posts, so let me try this again.

Bad Laugh and I went to Aliens vs Nerf Guns on Friday night.  Upon further reflection his laugh isn't actually that bad, but he is missing teeth and appears to have an infected cyst on his neck.  Sigh.  The real deal-breaker for me is that he quit his PhD program and is currently stocking shelves at an electronics retail store.  Call me shallow, but I'm in my 30s and I need a man with a little more drive.  

Anyhoo, Aliens vs Nerf Guns turned out to be AMAZEBALLS.  You get a Nerf revolver and 20 rounds, and wander through a haunted house-type maze shooting guys dressed like aliens.  It's a great way to get out your pent-up aggression.  I shot what I thought was a mannequin in the crotch, but it turned out to be a very angry man.  My bad.

The low point of the night for me was that I shot myself in the face trying to unjam the Nerf gun.  Insert joke here.

Moral of the story: if you're looking for something different to do, Aliens vs Nerf Guns is a fun activity.  If you're affiliated with Aliens vs Nerf Guns, I am very interested in an endorsement.

Night One

We decided to hit up my usual bar for night one of this experiment.  I got there a little early and ended up sitting next to a mailman, whom I'm going to refer to as Cliff from here on out (if you don't get this reference, do yourself a favor and watch more 80s sitcoms).

In spite of it being a Saturday night, the bar was pretty dead until about 11 pm.  There was a cute guy at the end of the bar that I was too shy to talk to, but good ol' Cliff told him to come sit next to me.  He still looked pretty good up close, but was a little quiet and had a slightly annoying laugh (which is not great if you happen to be a comedian).

I tried pointing out a few women to Eddie, but he found something wrong with almost every single one (too tall, too trashy, in costume, etc).  After a few hours of walking up to random groups of girls and creeping them out, we decided to call it a night.  

Looking back, I'm pretty sure they all thought we were swingers. Definitely something to work on technique-wise for the future.

Not a terrible result for our first time out.  Bad Laugh and I have a date to shoot aliens with nerf guns in a haunted house on Friday (because why wait until after the first date for him to find out I'm a weirdo).  I'll keep you all posted.

Hi There

Hi there, and thanks for stopping in.  I'm sure you're wondering what we're doing here.  My name is Nicole, and I'm a 33-year-old sometimes stand-up comedian.  I met a guy (let's call him Eddie) on Tinder earlier this year and we dated briefly, but quickly realized that we were better off as friends.  Since online dating can be an absolute dumpster fire, we had the brilliant idea to get back out into the real world and be each others' wingmen.  This blog is the documentation of that social experiment.