Ladies and gents, I am super excited to post what I hope is the first of many articles by the lovely Jacqui Pirl. Here's a bit about Jacqui:

After living in Hawaii for more than half her life, Jacqui Pirl moved to Sacramento and began her career as a stand-up comedian at the ripe young age of 50. Due to her inability to function in the early morning hours, she’s been known to pack her children’s lunches with panties and cans of malt liquor. She enjoys vacations on tropical islands, blues harmonica, and singing the wrong lyrics to popular love songs. And like Tyrion Lannister, she drinks, she knows stuff, and she secretly wishes she were taller.

Women. You do not have to fear middle age!

Here’s what “they” tell women about middle age:

The wrinkles!!!!! Ugh! The wrinkles!
You will have weird hair growing out of weird places.
Guys will no longer find you attractive.
Your eyesight will start to fail you.
Your skin will get thinner and less elastic.
You will start to misplace things.
You’re going to be hormonal and bitchy.

Here’s what I say about middle age:

The wrinkles. I have earned every wrinkle on this body, damn it! Every smile line. Every crease. Every gray hair! I am not getting plastic surgery and I am not dying my hair. When I am 75 and my kids are sitting across from me at the Christmas table, I want them to know THEY are why I have worry lines and gray hair. They were a part of this journey. I loved them with all I had and that’s why I look like this! I want them to know that if they love their kids, family, pets, friends, half as much as I did they, too, will someday have homegrown badges to prove it.
The hair. At my age, I seem to be growing hair, extra hair, in weird places. Like I now have these strange eyelashes growing out of the inside corner of my eyes. Go look. If you’ve reached a certain age, you probably have them too. Right on the inside corners. Like how am I going to put mascara on that? And they hurt like hell to pull out. I also seem to be growing chin whiskers, back fur, split ends and nose hair. It seems that at this late stage in life, after years of wondering what I wanted to do with my life, I’ve become, through no conscious effort of my own, a free-range, organic hair farmer. My new favorite beauty implement is a good pair of tweezers. And do you know what else is my new favorite beauty implement? The fact that I don’t give a shit! The lesson here? You never know what you’ll be when you grow up. Just never stop growing!
Guys will no longer find you attractive. Oh fucking bullshit! Have you never seen The Graduate? Since the dawn of time, guys have been attracted to anything they think they can put their dicks in. Attraction is much more a matter of attitude than it is of age. There are younger guys who will find the older you mysteriously mesmerizing and older guys who will find the more mature you refreshingly rational. Remember being that awkward teen and thinking no one will love me? Don’t fall for that shit again! You got this girl!
Your eyesight will start to fail you. Awesome!!! Think of this as old-age beer goggles! The guys look cuter when you can’t see them clearly!
Your skin will get thinner and less elastic. Yes it will. You’ll cut yourself more easily, and wonder how much moisturizer is too much. But if you’ve done anything right in your first 50 years on earth, you have some real, true, good girlfriends, some insight, some knowledge, and some wisdom from the years and, therefore, your skin will also be a lot thicker. Your bullshit detector will be fine-tuned and your moral compass will be grounded. Let the bullshit fly. It ain’t gonna puncture your resolve! A scraped hand while lifting your suitcase to fly off to Bermuda with that hot cabana boy you met last week in Napa is a small consequence to pay. (And why isn’t he lifting your suitcase?)
You will start to misplace things. Like keys and fake friends and cheating ex-husbands. Some things are better misplaced! And besides, you’ve been losing your keys since you started driving. Stop being so hard on yourself!
You’re going to be hormonal and bitchy. Yes, you are. But here’s the kicker, folks. This is just high school all over again! Seriously it’s just high school all over again! Nobody was saying you were all washed up the last time your hormones were flaring up. This is the same thing! Let me put it this way. Midlife is just puberty backwards! Yes, it is. You’re horny all the time, you have weird hair growing in weird places, you’re willing to try new (and dangerous things), you’re immortal again, because, hell, you just might be dead next week, next year, next decade! Here’s the deal. Men, of a certain age (or not!), listen up. Your best bet to getting with that high school cheerleader you’re still fanaticizing about, LEGALLY, is to date a 50-year-old divorcee. She’s going to be awkward as hell, hormonal as fuck, willing to try this new sex thing everyone is talking about, maybe even willing to try it with people in the next room (Shsh…you’ll wake the kids is the exact same thing as shsh…don’t let my parents hear us), excited to try something different and scared to fucking death of getting pregnant!
You aren’t old. You are bold and beautiful, with more wisdom and insight than you had the first time around! This is your time to get it right!

If you’ve done anything right, you have friends that have lasted a lifetime! Seriously. A lifetime! You were dealing with the snotty mean girls in high school. This time around your girls got your back!

You can try anything new now because you no longer care what people think. Go ahead, take a ballroom dance lesson, try downhill skiing, become a stand-up comedian. Or stay home and read a book or take up knitting. Nobody cares anymore. It’s really your life, now.

If you had kids, they are all grown! Out of the house. All gone. Bye bye. Don’t let the door hit you in the ass! You get to reclaim your time. Your time.

You’re done hearing, “When are you going to get married honey?” And, “But don’t you want kids?” You’ve reached an age when NO ONE wants to hear about your sex life! So for once, it’s all yours!!!!

Your dating possibilities have opened up exponentially. Seriously! Young guys, old guys, fat, interesting bald men, irresponsible bad boys! You are not looking for a husband or a father for your kids anymore. You have a life. You have your own money. You have your own place to live and your own friends and hobbies.

I recently had dinner with a friend who has been going through a bit of an after-divorce renaissance of his own. He told me:

“Jacqui, you should go out with a 20-year-old or two.”
“Why on earth would I do that?” I thought he was crazy.
“Just to remind you how silly and naïve 20-year-olds can be.”

So I did. I met a very handsome, big, bronze, lifeguard while I was Hawaii this year and we went surfing and had some fun. It was silly and goofy and not something I really want in my life anymore (but this was vacation after all!) and it was fun.

I have developed a few rules of my own for dating. No married guys (duh!), nobody I work with (just makes things less messy), and he has to be at least five years older than my kids, and at least ten years younger than my parents. Other than that the door is open.

At this age in your life, you can wear, date, be, do anything you want. And you should. It’s your time girl. Go get it! The only things you don’t have to tolerate anymore are other people’s expectations and judgments! This second act is going to be all yours and all on your own terms!

My name is Jacqui Pirl and the world is my oyster.