Hard Pass
Good morning. That was a short night. This gem popped up on two different sites.
This sounds like a lose-lose situation for the mistress.
Also, 50 Shades is terrible.
I gotta get up and go to work. See you guys later.
Speed Dating 5: The Plot Thickens
Tonight was my fifth attempt at speed dating. As usual, I had a blast with the other women. Some of the guys seemed cool. One was a jerk to all of us. One I don’t think was interested in women at all. The moderator said she’ll get our matches to us tomorrow morning. We shall see. I think I said yes to five out of the fourteen guys.
I need to sleep. See you guys in the morning.
Wyd
Remember this dude?
He re-emerged.
He blocked me right after that. I guess I’ll always just have to wonder what could have been.
Time to get rolling. I’ll post about speed dating tonight.
Revenge of the Puns
Well hello there. I’m doing the sound for Capitol Punishment on 3/2, because the only thing nerdier than a Revenge of the Nerds-themed pun tournament is doing the A/V for it.
Come by and hang with us. It’s going to be awesome.
Tine for me to sleep. I’m posting part 2 of the conversation with hookup guy in the morning. Stay tuned...
How Exotic
Good morning! I am tired, as usual.
My first thought was that this guy was some kind of foreign ghost. Oooo, indeed.
I have the feeling that today is going to be a long day. I have speed dating again tomorrow, which I still have mixed feelings about for various reasons.
See you guys tonight.
Oops
I’ve been delinquent. I made chocolate pomegranate strawberry Jell-O shots, though.
Tonight was Dan Smith’s surprise birthday roast. It was an awesome time with awesome people.
This has been a fun weekend, but I need to sleep. See you guys in the morning.
Worst Case Scenario
Good morning! Eddie and I went out last night. Per usual, neither of us talked to anyone other than the bar staff. I still had fun, though.
Time to get up and work some overtime, then I have a dinner date. Not with the guy from the screenshot. Just to be clear.
See you guys later tonight.
I’m Wilford Brimley
Good evening! Eddie and I are going out in a few hours, so I’m posting now rather than stay up even later past my bedtime. Plus I have overtime tomorrow. Yay money.
I made slutty brownies today, because diabeetus.
I also got a completely random group text from a number in Massachusetts.
No one ever answered me. Fine. I didn’t want to go anyway.
Time to make myself look halfway decent. See you guys in the morning.
If Wishes Were Horses
Good morning. I’m currently regretting making an appointment so early on a Saturday.
There is something about this picture that terrified me when I initially saw it. I’m too tired to analyze why. You guys have at it.
I’m off to get my oil changed. See you later.
Happy New Year!
Lunar New Year, that is. Happy Year of the Dog.
I don’t have a whole lot to say tonight. It was a long day, and I’m tired. I scheduled a car service appointment at zero dark thirty, so it will be a short night.
I have a hell of a weekend lined up. I’ll see you guys in the morning.
The Most Dangerous Game
Good morning!
This is a dangerous question to start a conversation, although it’s a quick way to determine someone’s political leanings.
It’s Friday! I have a long day at work and a busy weekend ahead of me. I’ll see you guys this evening.
Happy Galentine’s Day!
Happy Thursday! Jessica and I are exchanging Valentine’s Day gifts tonight.
I want to take a moment to thank all of my friends. They are really amazing. Your love and support means the world to me.
I’m going to take a little while to read and unwind. See you guys in the morning.
#no
Good morning!
I think this guy was trying to be ironic, but it’s still just #toomanyhashtags.
Time to get up and do stuff. See you guys later.
Happy Valentine’s Day
Good evening! I hope that everyone is having a good holiday.
So much for eating healthy this week.
I’m eating pizza and watching Hulu. After this, I’m going to read in bed. It is a perfect evening.
See you guys tomorrow.
Hell Hath No Fury
Good morning!
That is a whole lot of Tinder drama.
Happy Valentine’s Day! See you guys tonight.
Don't Hate Valentine's Day
I don’t hate Valentine’s Day.
Granted, I spend the majority of my Valentine’s Days alone. Not necessarily single, but by myself. I usually spend the weekend before V-Day with my girlfriends wine tasting and doing other Galentine’s Day activities. It’s a blast. For the past few years, I’ve spent the day of eating take-out and watching horror movies. It’s awesome.
A lot of guys hate the concept of Valentine’s Day. Great. Hate it if you must. But it doesn’t have to be about dropping a bunch of cash on a romantic evening. I’m not opposed to eating take-out and watching movies with a dude. I just don’t want to do it if the guy’s gonna have an attitude.
This year, I made homemade gummy candy for Jessica. I bought her some books about friendship and female leadership, along with a craft kit to make Valentine’s Day cards. We’re getting together on Thursday to exchange gifts and read each others’ short stories. It’s going to be nice and low-key.
Last year, Eddie and I were dating on Valentine’s Day. He texted me that day for the sole purpose of telling me how much he hated the holiday. I told him that I was having take-out and watching horror movies by myself. He asked if he could join me. I told him no, and turned my ringer off for the rest of the evening so that I could enjoy it in peace.
I hope that you all have a nice day tomorrow doing whatever you so desire. See you guys in the morning.
Hooray for Capitalism
Good morning. This message thread was like a car accident I couldn’t walk away from.
There really is a market for everything. Not sure why this guy felt the need to tell me this out of the blue, but...cool?
Time to do things. See you guys later.
No Slumber Party For You
Evening, folks. If you’re not familiar with Bumble, it’s an app where women have to initiate contact first...so it should be less creepy. Right?
At one point he told me I was too pampered for any man, but I didn’t screenshot it in time before he got the block.
There are so many things about this exchange that rubbed me the wrong way. I hate when guys make assumptions without knowing me. I hate when guys send me multiple rapid-fire messages. I hate when guys add “lol” or a dumb emoji after saying something offensive like it cancels it out. I really hate when I tell a guy I’m not interested, then he wants to argue about it.
Also, this dude types like he’s drunk.
I’m tired, both physically and mentally. I have a dinner date on Sunday. I guess it’s about time to jump back into that dating pool.
See you guys in the AM.
Members Only
Good morning!
I must marry this man immediately.
I’m feeling like myself again, both physically and emotionally. Just in time to go back to work. See you guys tonight.
It's a Terrible Life
Good evening! The gummies turned out rather well, if I may say so myself.
Homemade strawberry heart- and lip-shaped gummy candy
I wrote a story. I have a lot of reservations about posting it on the Internet, but I'm trying to conquer my fears. The original concept for the story was not mine, but I was given permission to run with it.
Here we go.
It’s a Terrible Life
Chad is an asshole. He will argue otherwise. He will spend hours collating data to prove that you are wrong. He has the time for it. He works 20 hours a week for a nonprofit, so the majority of his days are spent sleeping and arguing with nameless, faceless enemies on the Internet. Everything that Chad reads that he disagrees with enrages him. He will walk up to random tables at restaurants and explain why other patrons should be eating vegan. Very few people like Chad, including his own friends and family.
Chad goes to the Women’s March to prove what a woke social justice warrior he is. He makes signs that say #METOO and TIME’S UP. Chad is so busy following the picket line around the Capitol that he doesn’t notice himself veering into traffic. The last thing he sees as he looks up from his off-brand Android is the front of a bus six inches from his face.
The next thing Chad knows, he is standing in front of a gate of fire. It’s pretty fucking hardcore. He used to be into that kind of thing, but not anymore. His bachelor’s degree in sociology with an emphasis in women’s studies has made him aware of how derogatory this toxic masculinity is to women.
Chad hears someone clear his throat next to him. He turns. Shit. It’s a giant three-headed dog. Cerberus, if he remembers correctly from his wannabe rockstar adolescent days. Is Cerberus the gatekeeper to the underworld? He can’t remember.
One of the dog’s mouths opens and a booming voice emerges. “Chad Sanborn, do you know why you are here?”
Chad’s voice sounds squeakier than he would have liked. “Well, where is here? That’s actually a complicated question if you think about it in a metaphysical sense. For instance--”
The dog-thing cuts him off. “Oh, shut the fuck up, Chad. You are always so goddamn insufferable. That’s why you’re here. At the gates of Hell.”
Chad’s eyes open so wide that his entire irises show. “That’s impossible. Heaven and Hell are constructs of religion to brainwash the sheeple--”
Cerberus cuts him off again. “Chad, what kind of effect do you feel that you have had on the world? Have your good deeds outweighed the bad? Do you feel like your existence is justified?”
Chad sputters indignantly. “Well, of course my effect on the world has been positive. I voted for Bernie Sanders. I’ve marched in every protest in my city for the past two years. I work for a nonprofit!”
The dog laughs. Not just a little. It laughs hysterically. He laughs hysterically? Chad is unsure of the creature’s sexual orientation and gender identity. He wants to ask it to clarify, but senses that this is the wrong time.
“Chad, you are a one in a million. Don’t get cocky about that. You’re not fucking special, and you don’t get a participation trophy. What I mean by that is that you have had absolutely no effect on the world around you. Zero. I could go through the It’s a Wonderful Life bullshit and take you on a tour of what things would look like if you had never been born, but it would be exactly the same.”
Chad is dumbfounded. “I...that can’t be possible. What about the time when I was twelve that I told my brother I wished he were dead? That has to be a mark towards the negative column, right? I mean, I can see the universe being better off without me, but...to have absolutely no effect on the world? What is...was...the point of my existence, then?”
Cerberus smiles faintly at Chad. Well, he thinks it’s a smile. Only the head that talks is smiling. The other two heads are still glaring at him.
“Chad, when was the last time you did something good for another human being on a one-on-one basis? Have you ever helped an old woman cross the street, or given food to a homeless person?”
“I believe that they prefer to be called--”
“OH FOR FUCK’S SAKE CHAD!!!” The dog thing takes a minute to compose itself. “Chad, what would you do differently if you could go back?”
Chad looks dumbfounded again. “Well, I guess...I always thought about joining the Peace Corps, but they send you so far away, and it’s such a huge time commitment…” He trails off.
Cerberus, for the first time, talks to Chad softly. “And do you feel satisfied with your life the way it is right now?”
Chad bursts into tears. “No. I hate my job. I know that I should love it, but...I’m so bored. And I’m so angry all the time. That’s why I argue with everyone. My friends. My family. Random people I disagree with on the Internet. I don’t feel like my life is going anywhere, you know?”
The dog-creature cocks its heads at Chad. “If I gave you a second chance, would you go back and change things, or continue with your meaningless existence?”
Chad perks up. “You mean...like now?”
“No, Chad, in five fucking years. This is your last chance. If you would like to stay in the first circle of Hell for all eternity, you can also do that. It’s Limbo, so that’s not much better than the trite life you had going on before, but what the hell do I know.”
Chad takes a deep breath. “Yes. I’ll go back and make my life mean something. I choose to have a purpose.”
Then he blacks out.
Chad wakes up on the ground in front of the bus. The driver is babbling semi-incoherently about stopping just in time as he helps Chad up. Chad examines his body for signs of injury, but there appear to be none. Not even a bruise or a scratch. None of the other protesters, many of whom he considers friends, have come to his aid.
Chad walks across the street before he can change his mind. He keeps walking. He walks three miles to his apartment, and immediately logs into his computer to apply for the Peace Corps. He hears back in only a few weeks, and is given an assignment to help teach people how to purify drinking water in Haiti. He is scared. He is happy. He feels something other than anger for the first time in years.
On the day he leaves for Haiti, Chad packs only the essentials. He sees a man sitting on the sidewalk with a cardboard sign asking for money. Chad brings him a hamburger from the fast food chain next door. The man tells Chad to go fuck himself. Chad laughs.
As he is loading his suitcase into the Uber to go to the airport, he looks over his shoulder one last time and sees a black dog staring at him. It looks like the dog is smiling. Chad smiles back, and shuts the trunk.
The driver mentions that he’s looking for a part-time job. Something he can work around 20 hours a week. Chad gives him the contact information for his old manager at the nonprofit once they reach the airport. The driver is appreciative.
All in all, not a bad day, Chad thinks as he wheels his bag to the gate.
Good night. See you all in the morning.