This Sh*t is Complicated
Preface: The following are my own interpretations of my own interactions as it relates to sex and my relationships with women. In no way do I endorse my approach; it just happens to work for me. In addition, any perceived insights I convey around the female experience are limited, and likely contain inaccuracies, as my interactions with women are limited...also, I’m a dude.
I have always struggled with what I feel is the appropriate way I should view sex. There is the obvious and somewhat stereotypical horny guy piece that I think about sex a lot. And I do so in the most selfish and abstract way. It may even be more accurate to say I think about orgasms a lot. I wouldn’t say obsessively so, but definitely regularly.
In terms of connecting with women, you remember my blog about guys and SEX! brain; I have definitely been guilty of that in the past. That is to say, I was overly invested and anxious about the possibility of sex with someone whom I hadn’t even met. In fact, it was this anxiety that prompted me to reflect and re-frame things.
The first part of that was eliminating that idea of sex when talking to women, allowing me to focus on connecting with a person. This was an extreme growth moment for me. It gave me the opportunity to hear a perspective that I had been ignorant of for most of my life. As embarrassing as it is to admit, I don’t think I saw women as normal people at the time. In not focusing on sex, these obvious concepts were illuminated. In fact, dating for me during that time became completely sexless, and that was fine with me. The anxiety was gone, so now I was just engaging with women and occasionally being pleasantly surprised that a woman outwardly showed an attraction to me.
As an aside, this also exposed me more to the female experience with dating. The women that chose to share did not have the same struggles as I did when finding connections (via apps). While I was thrilled to get a connection with every 50th or 100th swipe-right, for them it was practically understood that a swipe-right was a connection. In addition, regardless of how much they tried to filter, the majority of those connections tried to initiate a sexual relationship/encounter fairly quickly. It was disappointing to hear, and if anything reinforced my approach of removing sex from the equation.
But the more I did this, the more comfortable I became around women, and the more naturally charming I got. And eventually, not expecting it, I got the moves put on me rather than the other way around. Well, then, of course, it caused a new round of analysis. I had expelled the idea of sex so much that I wasn’t prepared for it to metaphorically drop in my lap. This, of course, caused anxiety initially. I now had to figure out how to work sex back into my mind without losing the progress I had made. Initially, when sex re-entered the equation it was emotionally consuming, not in the physical desire sense, but in a lovey-dovey way; what I call the “puppy-dog” stage where you lose your sense of self and it becomes all about the other person. Sex seemed to exacerbate that. So after losing myself a few times, I felt it necessary to re-frame things again. I needed sex to be an independent component of the relationship; not an unimportant component, and not unrelated, but still independent. This was again, to a degree, successful for my own personal growth. It let me look at relationships objectively without rose-colored (or sex-colored) glasses. It also frankly helped me get better at sex because I could look at what I was doing without ego, ask questions, and focus on improvement.
The result of this new mindset is was seeing sex potentially as its own thing. Not necessarily in the stereotypical hook-up culture we seem to be living in, but in a way that doesn’t necessarily need to be accompanied with the complexities and responsibilities of a traditional romantic relationship, but still with its own complexities and responsibilities. Safety and health (both mental and physical) are extremely important to me and unfortunately (maybe fortunately), having frequent sexual partners in today's world is very difficult if not impossible when weighing those considerations. Beyond the personal physical and emotional health, I also don’t want to hurt anybody else. Physically that's easier by testing often and practicing safe sex. Emotionally it is more difficult because not everyone is honest and open about how they feel. Even if they say they feel one way, they might not be being truthful or possibly lying to themselves. I just do my best to be honest and open. Though personally, I like to consider myself emotionally capable of such relationships, it isn’t my preference. What can take sex from good to great is the strength of connection and trust. I much prefer to establish this connection before having sex. But I still separate this idea from an actual romantic relationship.
And this brings us up to speed or where I am and have been for a couple of years. However, in the last year or so, the news and the culture have started to bring to light what many females experience in the everyday world. With all that I thought I struggled with emotionally, it pales in comparison to the what at times seems to be a constant threat, both emotionally and physically, that some women feel they are exposed to. I’m baffled not only by the environment but also the sustained ignorance to it by men (including myself). Combine this with the barrage of sexual propositions, it's becoming more important to understand that regardless of how I’d like to view sex and have others (especially those I would like to have sex with) agree with me, the overwhelming experience of women makes that both difficult and unlikely. Even with the above long-winded explanation of how I got here, the end result of my position on sex can still practically be taken as I would like to have sex with you, and that's it. Considering that this general sentiment is not unique nor is it particularly flattering, I really can’t expect to convey it, even under the guise of being open and honest. Furthermore, it's more likely to cause the untended and undesired consequence of hurting the person I’m engaging with.
So what is the next stage of in my continuing sex/relationship evolution? I’m not completely sure, honestly. As comfortable as I am at the point where I’ve come to through my experiences, I am very much aware that relationships, regardless of the type, involve two people and both need to feel comfortable and secure if the relationship has any chance at success. Maybe there is a partner out there that has a similar outlook to me, but based on my experiences and conversations it would be understandably rare. However, I also think it’s important to give sex its proper weight and context. It should not be treated as flippantly as the culture currently seems to do, but also should not be given excessive meaning beyond the act itself. For the time being, I’m going to continue with my current course and be open and honest about how I feel. If women are understandably untrusting, I’ll respect that. The worse thing I could do for myself or them is be deceptive of how I feel just to increase my chances. At that point, I’ve reinforced their fears and made myself a worse person.
Epilogue: My editor informed me that I ended on a downer, so I’ll attempt to remedy that. While my experiences do not seem to make sex or relationships any less complicated or fraught with emotional peril, that was not the intended purpose. Hopefully, you can see this as an opportunity to re-frame how you might be viewing your experience. You might not come to the same conclusions as me, and maybe will develop better tools and habits that work for you. The important thing is to strive to make your relationships and connections richer, regardless if sex is involved. Challenge yourself to see others' perspectives, and question whether you are doing the right things. It won’t always be easy, but if done often, you’ll grow from it.
