You’re in the Danger Zone

I don’t get triggered and go off on someone often, but this did it.   This dude also sent me a series of messages on Tinder yesterday, but he unmatched me before I had time to read them.  Shame.

Oh, Richard, you narcissistic, manic shell of a man. 

I work a full-time job, and in fact am picking up four days of overtime between this week and next week.  I also do stand-up comedy, and have two shows this week with two different sets that I have to memorize.  I also run a blog that takes between 2-4 hours of my time every day.  I handmade gifts for many of my friends and co-workers this month, and am trying to fit in time to see said friends this week.  Jessica and I still read two books a month and write one short story a week.  Erin and I are doing one writing prompt per day and working on Journal 29 as well.  I have been averaging five hours of sleep a night for the past few weeks, but I suck it up because I am making time for the people and things that are important to me.  So, no, Richard, I am not busy sucking dick.  I am busy kicking ass.

By the way, I hope that your fourteen-year-old daughter never has a man speak to her this way.  She deserves better.  We all deserve better.

I half-considered sending Richard a link to this blog post, but he’s not even worth the effort.  

I need to get up to go work my first overtime shift this week.  Sydney Stigerts’ Ugly Sweater Show is tonight at 8 pm at the Sacramento Comedy Spot.  I hope to see you all there.   

Mic drop. 

What the Wuck?

First up: happy birthday to Jon Porter, Jay Wuck, and Damian Harmony!  (I haven't mentioned Damian yet on the blog, but he assures me that he will be writing something for us.)  I also promised Jay that I would post his contribution tonight.  He failed to send me a picture and bio like he promised, so I will be making it up as I go along.

Jay is a comic out of the Sacramento area.  He and Jacqui Pirl run the Carpool Comics podcast and Facebook page.

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Saying yes to the one who asks you to be with them forever can be one of those moments you never forget.  Due to my antics, my proposal was unforgettable, and not in a flash mob YouTube kind of way!

The day was my birthday, Dec 21st. 2002  I knew I was going to ask my (now) wife to be with me  4-EVER!  I called her father earlier that day to "ask for permission" (I would rather ask for forgiveness) and because it was my birthday, AND he forgot, he gave me his blessing.

We had a "Pajama-Jam" (PJ Party) to go to that night at Jeff Newton's house where we would meet up with a lot of friends.  Proposing in front of a bunch of people just isn't my style (believe it or not) I wanted it to be just about us.  So, parked out front in my Yellow AF Nissan Truck, dressed in our PJ's I presented the ring and asked her to be with me for the rest of her life.

She said yes!

Relieved, my now fiance (hate that word) entered the party excited to let our friends know our good news.  It was set to be a really nice night....one we would remember for days to come

While she was off with a gaggle of broads doing that whole "let me see that ring" deal, I found my place of comfort in the garage.  Some beers, mostly dudes, BS conversation, all was calm in till I overheard Will talking.

We both played music.  Not together.  We had different bands, played different styles of music and had different views musically which was fine, but from day 1 I just didn't like the guy.  To this day I can't pinpoint WHY I didn't like him, I just didn't.  But that day I got engaged so I should be on my best behavior... SHOULD being the key word!

Will had his people around him, and I wasn't REALLY paying attention to EXACTLY what he was saying, but it annoyed me.  I tried to ignore it, get into conversations with others, but I just kept hearing him shit talk.  Was he shit talking me? No.  But he was shit talking Carlos Santana and he was ruining my perfect night.

So I open hand shoved him in the face, causing him to fall into the garage door. If you shit talk Carlos Santana in front of a young, dumb, newly engaged, Jay Wuck, then when you eventually pick yourself up, I hope you have friends like he did that night who hand you a towel to wipe the blood off yourself!

Since Will did not come back at me, I decided to go into the house and let the host know what happened.  After hearing the story Jeff said, "Seriously, fuck that guy.  It’s all good." 

We then proceeded on with our night and had a wonderful first night being an Engaged couple and have been married for 14+ years!

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Jay and his wife are awesome people, and I am happy that they found each other.

Tonight was the Ugly Sweater Comedy Show at Cactus in Woodbridge, and it was a blast.

Dave Touchstone, host extraordinaire

Willie Travis

Johnny Casino.  Yes, that is his real name.

Imin Love.  Also his real name.  I checked his ID.

Birthday boy Jon Porter

Marcelis Flores from Rise and Shine 209

Jacqui Pirl closing out the show and winning the raffle

Alright gang, I've been up for almost 24 hours, and I'm exhausted.  I'm picking up some OT at work tomorrow, then Sydney Stigerts' Ugly Christmas Sweater Show at the Sacramento Comedy Spot at 8 pm!  Hope to see you guys there.

At Least It Wasn’t Sex Ed

I actually thought this pun was really cute. 

Good morning everyone!  Tonight is Rare Breed Comedy’s Ugly Sweater Show at Cactus Mexican Restaurant.  Show starts at 8:30.  Come see my horrific sweater and possibly worse comedy.

Happy birthday to both Jon Porter and Jay Wuck!  Jon is in the show with me tonight, and I will be posting a piece by Jay whenever I get home from Woodbridge this evening.  Probably close to midnight.  Woodbridge is far. 

Alright, time to get up to tackle day four out of six of my work week.  Hope to see you guys at Cactus tonight!

Dave's World

Good evening, internet.  Tonight's post comes to you courtesy of Dave Touchstone.  Dave is a host and comic out of Stockton, CA, and the founder of Rare Breed Comedy.  I met him while doing one of his showcases at Cactus Mexican Restaurant in Woodbridge, and I will be in another showcase there tomorrow night with Jacqui Pirl,  Jon Porter, Wendy Lewis, and a bunch of other cool people I will be name-dropping later.

This is the picture Dave asked me to use for his bio.  I guess you'll just have to come to one of his shows if you want to see what he looks like.

Ladies and gents, here is the first installment of Dave's World.

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Hi everyone!  

My name is Dave Touchstone.  Nicole gave me the option to go anonymous but……fuck that.  A little about me:  I grew up in Stockton, have lived in multiple foster homes, lived with different relatives, and an orphanage (two times that I can remember), found out only on the last day of high school if I truly was going to graduate, got married and had a child by 21, got divorced and remarried at 30 and divorced again with a second child by 31…..so at the ripe age of 33, I decided – why not comedy?   Yeah, that’s what I’ll do. I can only watch so many episodes of Forensic Files to the point where I may be the first one to get away with it if I keep that up.  In the last few years of doing comedy, I feel like I’m more of a comedy promoter than a performer.  But one of my comic buddies did tell me, “If you made them laugh, then you’re a comic.”  I think he’s right.  (Insert smiley faced emoji here).

I’ve enjoyed reading Nicole’s blog and all the adventures of online dating.  Or should I say misadventures?  The messages are pretty crazy at times.   I’ve done some online dating over the last few years, and the purpose of my post is to say it can work.  It really can.  Everything depends on both parties when they meet as to how serious they are about finding the right someone.  The hardest part is?  There are quite a few profiles to weed through, and unfortunately, a lot of bad dates that will happen until you can meet someone that captures your attention over everyone else.   Here are just a few fun facts about online dating I uncovered while writing this:

·       Women who post a photo on an internet dating site received twice as many messages as women who don’t (Maybe a picture of YOU would help….or a cartoon cat.  Either is cool.)

·       Most couples enter into an exclusive relationship after 6 to 8 dates (That seems normal to me.)

·       Men who report higher incomes over $250,000 per year receive 156% more messages than men who report $40,000 to $50,000 (I ain’t sayin’ she a golddigger, but….)

·       Nearly 40% of men do not feel comfortable meeting a woman online for the first time (We. Are. Pussies.)

·       The line men use most to get a response from a woman through an online dating site is, “So what trouble are you getting into tonight?” (Okay, I made that one up, but still…..)

I was lucky enough to have met my now fiancé through online dating earlier this year. We both experienced the crazy world of online dating and shared them with each other, and we both probably didn’t know how things would turn out which makes the whole online dating thing so interesting.   I had read another fact while putting this post together that men know if they’ve fallen in love by the 3rd date on average.  For women it’s between 10 and 14 dates!  Yikes!  That’s a huge gap!  I might have known sooner than date #3 to be honest.   But what can I say?  We’re very happy, we have such great times, we’ve explored another country together which is something I’ve never done before (Gooooo Iceland!)  Online dating made that all possible. 

I guess what I’m saying is……online dating isn’t a lost cause.  It can be scary, funny, and humiliating at times (I’ve had my share of some stories!).  But it can also be the best date you’ll ever go on and won’t forget.  That’s exactly what happened to me.  My advice is:  don’t be afraid to go outside the norm, think of new and interesting dates to go on, and expand how far you’re willing to travel and meet new people.      

In closing, if it wasn’t for online dating I wouldn’t be crazy in love right now.  I’d still be sitting at home, watching my 87th episode of Forensic Files.

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Thank you, Dave.  Your post gives me hope that if I stick with it long enough, I can also find the love of my life through online dating.  Let me look at OKCupid right now to see if I have any new matches.

It's cool, I'll just die alone.

Goodnight, world.  Tomorrow is a new day, and I will see you in the morning.

One Year Later

This post is going to be sappy and reminiscent, so bear with me. 

One year ago today, I did my first comedy open mic at Luna’s.  I have terrible stage fright, so it was a big deal for me to get up there and not know what to expect.  Thank you to Allie Yada to reaching out to me on Facebook and suggesting I try stand-up (as well as giving me my first few opportunities to be in shows).  Thank you to my friend Sam for coming to Luna’s and talking me through the first few times I went onstage.  Thank you to my friends who showed up to that first open mic to support me, and who continue to drive all over the Sacramento area to come to my shows.  I love you and appreciate everything you do for me. 

One year ago, I was going through a rough patch.  I was in the process of breaking off an engagement, and comedy provided an outlet for me to express myself.   I never expected to be doing stand-up at all, much less performing in actual shows.  Thank you to everyone who believes in me and gives me the chance to do this.  

That was 2016.  I started this blog a few months ago in the wake of another unfortunate situation.  (That is not a story for the website.  I apologize, but I have my reasons.)   It’s not the same as doing stand-up, but it’s still scary to put myself and my thoughts out there for public scrutiny.  

Maybe I’ll try another new endeavor in 2018.  A year is both a long and short period of time, and I can’t say for sure what will happen between now and then.  

Time to get up and go to work.  I’ll see you guys in the evening post.  I love you all.

Happy Hanukkah

First, let's get tonight's creepy screenshot out of the way.

I decided to check out his profile to see if he had any redeeming qualities.

Nope.  Tom Bomb did tell me tonight that I should consider lowering my standards, but I'm starting to feel like I'm getting close to rock bottom.

Happy eighth night of Hanukkah!  My friend Shanna had a party.  The food and company were amazing.

Latkes

Shana's tree is amazing. She makes all of those 8-bit ornaments by hand, as well as the art on the wall.  You should check out her Etsy page at Silly Shana's Square for fun nerdy gifts.

Me, Shana, Jacqui Pirl and Amber Whitford.  Yes, Jacqui's boots light up.

Dave Touchstone of Rare Breed Comedy is writing a piece for the blog.  Dave is an awesome comic and host, and I am in his Ugly Sweater Show at Cactus Mexican Restaurant in Woodbridge on Thursday.  Dave's piece will hopefully be tomorrow's evening post, but by Dave's own admission he is rewriting it 4,566 times so I'll post it whenever it pops into my inbox.

I need sleep.  Catch you guys in the AM.

He’s Baaaaaaaaaack

You know how sometimes you think you killed a spider, but then it pops back up when you least expect it?  Creepy Tinder guy from yesterday sent me a message on OK Cupid this morning. 

Once I had stopped screaming in horror, I took a look at what he had to say in his profile. 

Wow, that was even douchier than I expected.   

Time to get up and adult, but at least today is my work Christmas party and then my friend Shana’s Hanukkah party.  Catch you guys in the evening post, which will hopefully not feature Vince from Tinder/OKC. 

It's Cool, I'll Just Die Alone

As promised, here is my freak show Tinder conversation from this morning.  To give you a little background, my friend Krista went on one date with this guy a few months ago, but she said he gave off a weird, controlling vibe.  This guy also has a douchey shirtless profile pic.  

This is a long message thread, but trust me, the payoff is worth it.  Anyway, moving along:

Spoiler alert: he blocked himself after that last gem.  Thankfully I caught the screenshots in time.  I don't even know where to begin listing all that is wrong with this conversation.  Krista is mortified, as am I.  I have the sneaking suspicion that I would currently be dead had I gone out with this guy.

On a happier note, I got the iPhone X tonight, so I should be in a better mood now that I have a functional phone.  I'm off to shower and get my sweater and fanny pack together for the work ugly Christmas sweater party tomorrow.  If you guys feel inclined to discuss tonight's post, hit me up.  I'll probably be awake for at least another hour.

Survey Says

This is a fun conversation I had after I got home from Comedy Burger.

I seriously get some of the worst messages from guys who "love comedy".  Maybe because they just love having an excuse to say rude things under the guise of humor.  Anyway, I'm sure I can look forward to a fun follow-up text from him after he reads this post.

It's early, and I'm already miffed that I had to get out of bed prematurely to jump on my desktop because Squarespace Mobile is on the fritz.  I'm off to work.  See you guys tonight.

Maneater

Here we are at the end of another weekend, and I finally have my car back.

I don't have a whole lot to report since I've more or less been home getting stuff done all weekend.  I watched Atomic Blonde tonight.  It was enjoyable.

Evan, Jacqui and I are going to give speed dating a try next year.  I haven't done it since 2015 when I met my best friend, and I will chronicle that story once Jessica sends me her write-up. 

I'm sorry to post something so brief tonight.  I'm working six days in a row this week, plus I have two shows two nights in a row.  It's also the week before Christmas, so I'm rushing to get all of my homemade gifts done so I can give them to my friends this week.  

I need to get some writing in and work on my sets for this week.  Catch you guys in the morning.

You Are The Most Dangerous Game

Morning, world.  Today’s creepy screenshot is courtesy of a male friend. 

I assumed that would have worked on a guy, but I’m pleasantly surprised. 

I’m still not sure what time Erin and I are watching A Christmas Prince today.  Would anyone want to do it as a group thing later this week?  Leave a comment or e-mail if you’re interested. 

Just a quick reminder that I have not one, but TWO shows this week!  I will be at Cactus Mexican Restaurant in Woodbridge on Thursday 12/21 at 8:30 pm, and the Sacramento Comedy Spot on 12/22 at 8 pm.  I would love to see any and all of you there, plus I will be wearing ridiculous outfits at both shows. 

Alright gang, I need to get up and get things done and try to have a social life today.  Talk to you soon. 

A Hell of a Week, Indeed

First of all, thank you to the wonderful staff at Agape Eco Nail Salon for giving out free sugar scrub and cocoa butter for the holidays.  You guys never fail to amaze me.

My car has been in the shop all day, which put a wrench in my evening plans.  I am getting a lot of work done on the blog and on my sets for the two shows I'm in next week, so I can't really complain.

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In lieu of a creepy screenshot tonight, I'm going to chronicle the story of a date from a few weeks ago.  This will be the first of the Teaching Moments blog posts.

My date and I ended up at a fairly nice restaurant, and he was adamant that he wanted to get drunk because it had been "a hell of a week".  Somewhere into his first drink (and my only drink), he started ragging on himself and fishing for compliments.  Disclaimer: I refuse to give into this tactic when I'm on a date.  I'm sorry.  I like a guy with a little confidence.

Homeboy was not happy with this, and at one point he told me to go to hell.  My response was "I'm already there", so he flipped me off.  This wasn't just a quick finger-up; he was waving his middle finger in my face for a little while.  In the middle of a crowded restaurant.  While horrified patrons stared at us.

Here's the thing: he told me earlier that he felt like I prematurely friend-zoned him.  This is honestly more than likely true.  He's a nice enough guy, but I hadn't really been feeling it, even before this incident.  In his defense, he apologized, paid the entire check and waited with me for my Uber.  

This guy might end up being a good friend.  Once I stopped looking at the evening as a date and considered it dinner with a friend, I actually enjoyed myself.  If nothing else, I got a humorous blog post out of the night.  I hope that this is the last time he tells a girl to go to hell and gives her the bird.

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Now for some happier news: Eddie and I are taking the blog on the road in February!  We are headed to Portland early February to check out some touristy stuff.  If you read this, live in the area, and would like to hang out, hit me up at nicole@thebeentheredonethatproject.com.

Erin and I will be watching A Christmas Prince on Netflix at some point tomorrow and attempting to discuss it on the blog.  My plan is to post on the blog, Twitter, and Facebook when we go live.  The conversation will take place in the "Comments" section at the bottom of the blog post.  We don't have a time yet, but it's probably going to be early morning/late afternoon.  I apologize for the vagueness there, but we're having scheduling issues.  If you happen to see that we're on and would like to join in the discussion, feel free!

Time for me to attempt to sleep.  I hope that you all have a lovely evening.

In This Case, Knowledge IS Power

These screenshots were sent to me by a male friend.

I will give this chick credit for putting all of her dirty laundry out there early in the conversation and letting this guy decide if he wanted to deal with it all.  At least...I HOPE that’s the extent of her dirty laundry.

Alright, time to take my car in for service.  I have a lot on the schedule today, so tonight’s post should be more substantial.  See you tonight. 

One Door Opens

I almost feel like this guy is trying to rap via Tinder.

...at least he's nice...

This has been a bittersweet day.  Two of my close friends are moving away, so I had to say goodbye.  It's a good thing for both of them.  Life moves right along, and we have to roll with the changes.

On a happier note, this happened today!

Thank you to everyone for your continued support.  I'm still amazed that anyone wants to read my ramblings.  If you would like to contribute to the blog or participate in any way, feel free to contact me at nicole@thebeentheredonethatproject.com.

I made an early morning service appointment for my car tomorrow.  Current me is cursing two-weeks-ago me.  I'm gonna write and get some sleep, so I will catch you all in the morning.

[Crickets]

Here’s another screenshot a guy friend sent me.  Apparently this joke got him blocked on OKC. 

I’m glad I’m not the only one who makes things awkward.

For those of you who are concerned about Constance, the cousin-marrying felon stood her up last night.  She is still alive and well.

I need to get my butt in gear.  More to come tonight. 

Constance, You In Danger, Girl

Constance sent me a series of messages and screenshots today, and...well, see for yourself.  The first one is a conversation between her and the dude who is fresh out of prison and married to his cousin.

First of all, WHAT THE ACTUAL %&^$???????????  Is this even English?  It sounds like the way a five-year-old would describe his no-no place.

I guess this is a good example of different strokes for different folks.  I wouldn't hang with a guy I couldn't take out in public.  In a later part of the conversation, Constance also mentioned that this guy brags about fighting and knocking people out.  I warned her to be careful, but she has assured me that she knows what she's doing.  I have done my part as a friend.

If this is all that's left out there, I'll just die alone, thanks.  It's cool.

At the suggestion of my friend Andy, I am including a new category called Teaching Moments.  It's a way to spin not-so-fantastic situations into a learning experience.  Sometime in the next few night posts, I will be chronicling a VERY awkward date that I went on a few weeks ago in the hopes that at least one person can learn something from the experience.  I would appreciate submissions for this category (and any other category).  Hit me up at nicole@thebeentheredonethatproject.com, and tell me your tale.

I am tired, and tomorrow is gonna be another long day.  See you all in the morning.

Keeping It All in the Family

A few posts back, I briefly mentioned my friend who is dating a guy who is married to his cousin.  I’m going to call her Constance, as she wishes to remain anonymous.  Can’t say I blame her.  Anyway, this is what she sent me yesterday.

This is rare, but I am speechless.  Please keep all of us posted, Constance.

Living in Oblivion

In lieu of a creepy screenshot, I'm going to post a screen grab of my phone attempting to transcribe an unintelligible two-minute, forty-one-second voicemail from Eddie trying to convince me to switch my mobile provider to Cricket.

Low-confidence indeed

Sorry, dude.  I deleted the message without listening to it.  I don't even like talking on the phone with someone I'm dating.

My friend Jessica and I hung out at Oblivion Comics & Coffee tonight.  It's a pretty cool place, even though I'm not so much into comics.

I'm a big fan of anyplace that has food.  Oblivion boasts a few varieties of sweet toasts.  I ordered the Bang Toast, which has peanut butter, Nutella, and chocolate syrup.  Now I have diabetes.

Jessica and I spent the evening working on a joint post about the night we met.  It's a story of intrigue, speed dating, and a really drunk guy who tried to keep us from becoming friends.  It's going to be epic.

I have A LOT of ideas for this blog in the next few weeks, and I am still trying to figure out how to implement everything.  I continue to gladly accept submissions for creepy screenshots, articles, and/or general ideas.  Hit me up at nicole@thebeentheredonethatproject.com.

I need to get some reading and writing in.  Catch you in the morning post.

The More You Know

Today’s post is courtesy of a guy who went to my high school, but whom I never interacted with until we became friends on Facebook a few years ago.  It’s ok.  I wouldn’t have talked to me in high school, either.  

This is A LOT of information to give someone you literally just started talking to on OKC, but I guess I should give this woman credit for putting her drama all out there so soon.   I usually have to date a guy for at least a few weeks to find out all his baby mama drama.

Time to brave the cold and make money.  See you tonight. 

Own It, I Say

If you know anything about me, you know that I love memes.  My friend Sam made me this awesome meme based on the guy who wanted to dress me up.

Thanks, Sam.  You are an awesome writer, comic, and friend.  I'm going to miss you when you move away.

It's almost Christmas, and time to get cracking on work potlucks and gifts.

Chocolate crinkle cookies

Thai chili-infused olive oils in process

Shallot-infused olive oils: the finished product

I've received SO MANY creepy screenshots today, and several of those are from the male perspective.  I will be posting those as the week goes on.  In addition, my friend (who would like to remain anonymous for reasons that will become immediately apparent) is dating a guy who is married to his cousin, and she has agreed to write a piece on...whatever that is.  Get the popcorn.

I seriously need to sleep.  I'll hit you guys up with something funny in the AM.